Session Two – Attack Of The Killer Fatties

Good lord – I encountered another member of Northumberland’s wildlife tonight. This time it wasn’t a frog, not even a fox. Wait for it… it was a fatty!

Not  a normal fatty like me. I mean a proper one. Like, a full-on fatty fatty wobble wobble specially made doors to walk through and specially ordered clothes off the internet sort of fatty. And the worst thing? I knew I was fast approaching the half mile mark as I ran towards him, the point where I’d have to turn 180 degrees and head for home.

Sure enough, as I got to within five yards of him, I heard the monotone lady tell me that I’d ran half a mile, causing quite the dilemma – do I turn around right away and head back home, or carry on past him? Going past him would mean I’d have to do more than a mile. Turning round in front of him seemed like it’d be mildly offensive, like I was showing off. “If you had the will-power to stay off the pasties mate, you could be doing this!” That’s what it’d seem like I was shouting in his face, really loudly. Whilst throwing ice pops in his face. No doubt he wouldn’t have been bothered – he’ll have only been thinking about food anyway. Scum.

As it happens, I ran another fifty yards further, before looping back and overtaking him, which seemed much less weird in my head. The journey back seemed even tougher today. Maybe it was because I knew I had to put on a bit of a show for fatty, maybe it’s because I’m only a few stone better than him, maybe it’s just running two days on the bounce had me beat. I’m not sure. There’s loads of excuses – I had a podcast in – surely listening to people talking isn’t great for building up a rhythm?  I might experiment with music tomorrow. Besides, it seems to be taking the piss a bit, doing a ten minute run with a podcast in. How many podcasts do you know that only last ten minutes? I might save those for the longer runs. Yeah, that’ll be my treat. Listening to men talk.

Maybe I’m doing an injustice to myself though; I ran for 12 minutes 34 seconds today, covering 1.15 miles. Admittedly a minute of that and .15 miles was down to my social ineptness and a fatty.

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